Services

1. Custom ceremony design
2. Personalized vows assistance
3. Rehearsal coordina—

Wait a minute. What am I doing? I’m retired now!

Scratch that list. Let me tell you about my new passion project instead. I’m building the world’s most elaborate wedding-themed model train set in my basement. Picture this: a sprawling 500 square foot layout with multiple levels, representing every wedding venue I’ve ever officiated at!

There’s Tiny Town Hall, complete with a working clock tower that chimes “Here Comes the Bride” every hour. The Miniature Mountain Resort features a chair lift for adventurous cake toppers. And don’t get me started on the Beach Wedding Beach – yes, I’m shipping in real sand!

I’ve got a fleet of trains: the Matrimony Express, the Ring Bearer Railway, and the Honeymoon Bullet Train (it’s very fast, if you know what I mean). Each station plays a different wedding song, and I’m installing a complex system of mirrors so I can see every angle without crawling under the table.

Sure, my family complains about losing the entire basement. My wife says she misses having a laundry room, and the kids whine about their old play area. But I remind them: we all must make sacrifices for love… and by “love,” I mean my obsession with tiny trains and even tinier wedding parties.

Next week, I’m installing a working chocolate fountain the size of a thimble. It’s going to be glorious, assuming I don’t flood the entire layout with liquid chocolate. But hey, that’s what retirement is all about – taking risks and ruining perfectly good basements!

Scott’s Retirement Special: The Ultimate Egg Salad Sandwich

Ingredients:

• Eggs (preferably laid by hens who’ve had fulfilling careers and are now enjoying their golden years)
• Mayonnaise (an amount that would make a cardiologist weep)
• Mustard (Dijon, because we’re fancy in retirement)
• Celery (finely chopped, like the hopes and dreams of people who thought I’d officiate their wedding next year)
• Salt and pepper (to taste, much like my fabulous suits)
• Bread (preferably not stale, unlike some of my wedding jokes)

Instructions:

1. Boil the eggs with the same care you’d use to craft personalized vows. Let them cool, contemplating life’s mysteries.
2. Peel the eggs while reminiscing about all the nervous grooms you’ve seen fumble with cufflinks.
3. Mash the eggs in a bowl. If you’re feeling nostalgic for your officiant days, whisper “You may now mash the eggs” to yourself.
4. Mix in mayonnaise, mustard, and celery with the precision of a bride planning a seating chart.
5. Season with salt and pepper. Remember, like marriage, it’s all about balance.
6. Spread on bread with the delicate touch you once used to hand over marriage certificates.
7. Cut diagonally and serve.